Ixora's Land of All Things Complicated

sinking

2011-09-26T01:14:00.002+08:00

sometimes, there's this sinking feeling inside of me telling me that all good things will end and i've been desperately holding on to something that might be dying.

i feel angry and i want to show it. but it seems to concentrate to something behind my mind. something that might explode.

i guess i never knew how to express how i feel and i never will, it seems to be getting more and more difficult to do so.

at the mean time, i just hope to whatever being there is that everything goes well and life will still love me as much as i hate it.

Words

2011-07-28T12:09:00.001+08:00

When you realize that many things cannot be explained by words, you stop talking.

Dear Mr Driving Instructor

2011-07-21T11:23:00.002+08:00

Dear Mr. Driving Instructor,

First time I had a lesson under your tutelage, I felt very nervous. That's because you're new to me, and it's natural to feel nervous. Of course, I'm nervous about driving, but thanks to you, you made me worse.
I have never hit the curb until yesterday. And I hit it three, four times. Why? Because I was nervous and tired. It's in the afternoon, the sun is hot and there's air con- who wouldn't feel sleepy? Of course, I have to blame myself, I can turn left well. My steering is quite problematic. But I tried my best. You were not satisfied with my performance, thus I humiliatingly have to continue driving in the circuit.
Today, the day after yesterday's lesson, was with you again.
It's okay, I told myself. I'll pay attention and make less mistakes. I'll brake better and turn better.
And I think I did drive better. I felt that I drove more efficiently, I looked out for blind spots and all that stuff. Then you FINALLY took me out of circuit. I felt a sense of accomplishment and honestly, I felt that I drove pretty well, you said nothing.
You told me to change lane, I checked side mirror, blind spots - ALL CLEAR. However, a motherfucking truck had to rush in as I was pulling off. Honestly, that was what freaked me out and I lost my concentration from that point onwards. It was so bad that I could not turn properly.
Then I almost hit a curb, which you poisonously pointed out to me.

Through out the whole thing, I admit I wasn't happy with the comments you make-- about how bad my driving is and all that. I'm pretty fine with it actually, but the problem is MY DRIVING ISN'T THAT HORRIFIC. Besides, I had previous instructors, one who was pretty strict with me told me my steering had problems but my braking was good, passable. I agreed with him. My steering did have problems, and I did improve a lot after your help. BUT YOU SAID I NEED TO IMPROVE ON EVERYTHING. What? My braking was OKAY for god's sake. And you could at least encourage me but NOOOOOOOO you had to make it sound like I had no brain. WELL FUCK YOU. I DON'T LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE. SURE MY STEERING HAD PROBLEMS BUT I IMPROVED A LOT. YOU DIDN'T EVEN COMPLAIN. OTHER THAN THE PART ABOUT GOING LEFT AND RIGHT (I agree) BUT YOU MADE IT SOUND LIKE IT ALL SUCKS.
WELL FUCK YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH. I'M HUMAN AND IF I CAN'T MAKE A FEW MISTAKES, GO FUCK OFF AND QUIT YOUR JOB.

Bitter

2011-07-21T07:57:00.001+08:00

Feel like the whole world is against me. No one seems to understand my anger. I don't even know why I'm angry.
Fantastic time to be angry, really.
University is starting next month - in a week's time, to be specific. Trying to spend as much time possible with family and friends, yet it seems impossible.

Fuck off

2011-07-20T22:14:00.001+08:00

Everyone is pissing me off. So just fuck off.
Fuck every single one of you people who only think about yourself. Fuck all of you who keep treating me like a kid.
Sure I don't think all the time, big fuck. Big fucking deal man.
Why can't you just text me some times when you're with friends? If I can do it, why can't you?
So what if I didn't look at side mirrors? I need time to learn so why not be fucking patient? Sure I'm a girl, that doesn't mean I can't drive properly. I'm just not used to driving in a new car, can?

So all of you, get the fuck off.
Damn fucking irritated.

To reconnect

2011-07-17T11:06:00.001+08:00

It's been one and a half days since the end of WKWSCIFOC'11. Honestly speaking, the camp opened up my eyes to a world I thought I would never see, let alone even be there to experience it.
Everything in WKW seemed so alien, yet it felt right. This irony is ripping me apart, mentally and physically. All my life, I was near home, studied near home. My life revolved around the east and uniforms. Now my life has run out of course to enter one in the north and of individuality. Mentally, I'm scared. I don't know what will happen to me. I can't stand to live in dorm and be without my parents. Mind you, I'm not dependent on my parents. I love my parents, my family and the thought that I can't see them everyday burns. Basically, it's not "in ritual" anymore once I enter NTU.
I told myself that I should make it a habit to go home after school has ended in NTU, meaning go home every Friday. Y'know, to spend time with family and the boyfriend? Then I ask myself- is two and a half days enough? What if I have projects? Excess time will be, without a doubt, soaked up.
My friend told me how she didn't see her own boyfriend for months at a time due to projects in poly. It may seem normal enough for most couples, but the longest I've been apart from my boyfriend was two weeks. And we still SMSed. I don't think we will grow apart that much... I just think maybe we won't argue again, and to me that's what's scary. I hate arguing as much as any girlfriend but arguing is to me the best way to communicate. You tell the other party every single thing that pisses you off, a load of your chest, a sharing of thoughts, patching up and loving each other more.
There are opportunities glowing for me, I believe. And what's funny was that a modeling agency calling me up for part-time modeling was the one that made me believe this. I'm not gonna take it up, but it gives me hope for a secure future. I guess

The Days of June

2011-06-07T11:09:00.001+08:00

Damn, June holidays are boring.

Because I have way to many months of holidays. Which reminds of my tutoring job. Which again reminds me of a sample letter I have to write. And reminds me again that I'm going Korea next Wednesday.

Last Saturday I had a double date at Dempsey road (AH ALLITERATION!) with meridian seniors. It's a really awesome place, so hidden and quaint. Basically it's a place for rich ang mohs to hang out la. But it had an beautiful ambience. Every restaurant wad decorated beautifully, the most beautiful one for me was RedDot. It's just awesome. Even bryan had to take a moment to stare at the aisle (really beautiful). Unfortunately I have no pictures so too bad.

Anyway, it was a bloody expensive night. Couldn't get a taxi until 1159 (even though we tried booking a taxi) when I suggested moving to the other side of the road. Yeah, we got the Late Night Charge. And then I had to go home alone with a guy asking why my boyfriend so rich and saying that he would give me a hundred dollars if I was his girlfriend.

Only hundred ah?!
Disgusting la. This taxi driver was getting on my nerves with my lack-of-sleep induced headache.

Sunday was uneventful. HA.

Monday was uneventful except that I met with Jeslyn at central after her work at PRCS and then came over my house.

Other than that, my life is still pretty dead.

Bitter

2011-06-03T22:17:00.001+08:00

This is a soul, unsatisfied.
But by sunrise, is fine.
Though night is short
The memories are long
Of one dark, black sky.

It's tongue was sweet
Yet bitter, if you ignore its pleas
Yet it bites its tongue to prevent
The poison about to leak.
The iris pours forth.

And so the soul,
Hungry, with hands
Cuts your heart
To wear it in a pouch
In its silk dress.

It waits by the pond, staring
The reflection of solidarity
Washed by solitarity,
Sings a song of one so wistful
Of the ignorant being which used to be.

sian

2011-06-02T15:21:00.001+08:00

I am severely running out of money despite saving up and earning more through giving tuition.
This is really damn pathetic- there's the GSS, the Korea trip and driving, each one all soaking up my money.
Seriously damn sian.
Through this 5 months of holiday, I'm quite glad to pick up a few good habits. Usually I'm too damn lazy to exercise but now I tend to run in the park beside my block for a while before I go back slacking in to my shell. I started to do a little housework now and then to get ready for hall life at NTU.
Thinking about hall life at NTU I feel even more sian. I can't bear to leave home. You can say I'm over dependent on my parents, but I'll miss my room so much. I feel so much security in my room. Plus I won't get to see my family everyday, which hurts even more. Then again, when I get married, I'd probably have to stay away from home as well. Follow the husband overseas if need be or stay in our new matrimonial home away from both our parents. It sucks being a girl sometimes. One, we are probably too emotional and sentimental. Two, we are expected to follow men. Which kinda sucks.
Though I may miss home, I am still excited about staying in school. Zakiah is gonna be my room mate which is going to makes things a hell lot better because I wouldn't be randomly assigned to some weird stranger. Maybe the hall I'll be staying at will feel like home soon.
These days I have been thinking a lot. True, when you don't have anything to do, you think. There are friends who I wanted to hold dear to my heart but have vanished. This could be my fault. Sometimes, and even right now, I feel that I have not been the best person. I have been a bad friend, a bad girlfriend and a even worse daughter. There's a lot in my mind and I feel scared and confused.
Come to think of it, this was probably how I felt when I was first entering JC. I felt apprehensive about the life I would have. Maybe that's exactly what I'm feeling now.

It's 6 months already. Been through loads of difficult and bad times, but that's fine.

Life Today

2011-04-26T23:54:00.002+08:00

Its 11:54pm as I begin to type this.
I need to be at MJC at 7:15am.

Two years ago, I was proud to call myself a student from MJC. It was "prestigious" after all, being known for the mugging life of students and the hectic learning journey. I thought that it would push me to study. Later, I thought I couldn't handle it. I wouldn't get promoted to J2. Promotional exams were the only goal for J1s (with the exception of an A in PW). Chemistry was over-bearing. Multiple amounts of effort in to that subject and all I got was a U, even for promos. Thanks to moderation, it was pulled up to an S. Maths was worse, thought I finally had a grasp of that subject. Apparently not. Chose guitar as my CCA. I considered that to be a very risky choice because I felt it would soak up my time for mugging. Nevertheless, I did learn more about playing the guitar. I thought I would be more open in MJC. Instead, I kept even more to myself, with the exceptions of friends- I refused to interact with anyone else. Project Work was a success, though I didn't know the results. I felt pissed at one of my PW members. But I did my part. My inability to interact with people easily was undermined by the need to get my A in PW. Sacrifices can be made easily and this was not the first. It was a good sacrifice though. I got to know my classmates better. And I got to hate that one PW member more. I made friends, but I couldn't trust them. My inferiority complex and that bad experience with that bitch got in the way. I'm glad I could slowly build trust, getting friends that will stand by my side, and I for them.

One year ago, I did many things. Many "first"s. I had my first A for Chemistry (ARGH). I had my first experience standing in front of 400+ people. I had my first experience acting in front of 400+ people. I had my first experience singing in front of 400+ people (oh my god). I had my first experience being in a jamming session. I had my first bouquet of flowers (from friends). I had my first experience taking A levels and not being remotely confident. I had my first experience giving up during that period by refusing to study geography. But most importantly, I had my first experience in not being damnably single. I found my first boyfriend, and through him, he showed me my first time in a pub, first time hugging someone other than parents and friends (of same sex), first time loving someone who loves me back (but still loves his guitar more than me), first time some one would text me showing concern. My first relationship. We suffered in agony over our results and me being in a confused and nervous state over exams and the new experience of commitment. We got through 2010 together at a void deck near my house.

This year, I feel like a different person. I know more, I see more, I fear more. Him going to NS was inevitable. Results day was a disaster, we had the same results. Today, I'm accepted to NUS FASS, NTU WKWSCI and SMU SOSS. I should feel happy. But I'm more confused than ever.
Today, I also wonder how much life has changed.
I felt that taking part in the April 16 event would change my life, that I would meet someone. I did. I still wonder what if I had not participated, would life still be the same?

I think, the future is a very scary thing after all.

Lobotomy

2011-04-03T00:07:00.001+08:00

I should lobotomize myself. If only I wasn't human, just... Sub-human. The only things I will need as a lobotomized individual are probably air, water and dog food. Sounds pathetic, but when you're lobotomized, you can't feel pity, sad, depressed or angry. It's the feeling of "nothing matters at all now and forever". That could be a blessing in disguise.
I have no idea if I should start dressing these days or not.
I had a dream yesterday. Out with a couple of extremely close friends and him. Then went to give tuition to a very beautiful, rich and popular girl a year younger than me and related to someone I barely know in mj. Tried to start tutoring but she told me to give her a few minutes to finish school work. Stepped out of house to be with group again. Came back thirty minutes to house and opened her door without knocking. Found her with a bunch of popular and scene kids from mj. She looked at me and scolded me for " just want to be with (her) so that (I) can boast to (my) friends about being friends with a younger and popular girl". Swallowed pride. Apologized for not knocking door. Continued to tutor her but only to receive her aloof attitude.
I wonder. What amount of respect do I garner from you? None?

I just don't understand

2011-04-01T14:03:00.001+08:00

I can't seem to comprehend what and how my mother thinks sometimes.
It's not that I don't love her, treasure her but she really gets on my nerves.
Today, I got a call from SMU informing me that I was shortlisted for an interview. This particular interview was something I had been anticipating for almost three weeks. Naturally, I was excited and I did tell my mum via SMS. And she replied "what course?"
WHAT COURSE?! are you pulling my leg? This is my MOTHER not a long lost friend. I admit that I did loose my temper with her several times because of my choices for courses to universities. But I did tell her my choices. Not once, not twice, but loads of times. She's always asking me questions that are unimportant and places them at high priority while things like my choice courses are just "my future". So what, it's not relevant to you? My mum cares about me deeply, I know, but she's too freaking disorganized in the head. I don't understand her. There are many things "irrelevant" to me about my own family which I always take an initiative to remember. My brother's education and some of his friends, my parents' occupations and their job scope, their risks to the jobs, even their salary etc. And what does my mum remember? That I have a boyfriend and that I have friends I go out with. It's not that I don't want to share things like these with her, it's just that I don't think they are at a situation where their priority takes over that of university admissions at the moment. TRYING TO REMEMBER MY COURSE CHOICES SHOWS YOU HAVE INTEREST IN MY CAREER FUTURE AND WHAT MY LIFW WILL BE LIKE, AND THAT AT THE LEAST YOU UNDERSTAND MY DAILY TURMOIL OF WORRYING ABOUT NOT GOING TO UNIVERSITY. I sometimes ask myself if I am unfilial as a daughter. Sure, I'm more rude to my mother than most people I suppose. I wonder if I'm not spending enough time with my family by going out often. Evaluating all these now, I feel that all these aspects fail to define being filial to my parents. The most important I feel is that I care about my parents. Sure, I may not help out with house chores because I'm too damn lazy, but I care. Every time my parents start complaining about their work life I feel worried. I worry that one day I might not see them come home from work. I worry about my dad's safety and security and my mum's capability to work. I don't want them to buy things for me. I just want us to go on a holiday as a family one day and that's an impossible task.
I love my mum, but she's unreasonable. There is no way in hell you can put a link with me supposedly not appreciating whatever you give me and me being pissed off at you not remembering my choice of courses. One is merely material and sometimes, lack priority. I want my mum to know why I'm so upset at my results, why I'm pissed off when we talk about university admissions. Most importantly- WHY I NEED HER TO REMEMBER THESE CHOICES.

Heartache

2011-03-31T22:59:00.001+08:00

It's a heart ache to know that he's tired, disappointed, angry, frustrated or depressed about anything, even if it's me. I wish I could hear him tell me that he's fine, everything's fine, and it's not a lie.

aotoe-coreect sux

2011-03-15T17:24:00.005+08:00

this is what happens when you are half asleep and need to SMS.
AUTO-CORRECT WILL TAKE OVER YOUR LIFE...

when you are trying to type out lyrics from OMG by Usher...

and when you are trying to tell your boyfriend to see the doctor...
LOL. turbans....

OMG.

2011-03-10T03:04:00.001+08:00

-.-

Hi God

2011-03-08T00:28:00.002+08:00

Hi God.
Trust me, i didn't do excellent for A levels, just mediocre.
But God, i never really achieved much in life. O levels seems to me like nonsense now.
I just need to get to uni.
And do something i like.
Like mass comm.
I beg you. Help me.

I cant accept it

2011-03-07T21:56:00.002+08:00

I feel that I cannot accept this .
that is my D for literature.
If my literature was awarded a C or a B (WHICH I THINK IS DAMN FUCKING FAR), i would have gotten to any course i want (minus crazy courses like... you know what).
I didnt ask to go to dentistry, i don't even have a fucking fetish for TEETH.
and accountancy? seriously?
what about law? okay. honestly, i am interested in law, but i cant really argue and I'm unwilling to fight for criminals who are clearly at wrong.
i just want to get in to mass comm, because i love to write.
and i am interested in the workings of media, of course.
Now i don't even know if i am guaranteed a position.
God, please let my A in GP be of help for me.
Its damn embarrassing that i already have a fucking D.

Anyway, i just signed on for SMU, not feeling very good.
Not in the sense of "lack of confidence", but rather...
I don't really want to go SMU.
Love the environment and all.
but the courses are so freaking limited.
what the hell, seriously, only go to SMU for business, other than that AVOID IT.
the M stands for Management for a reason after all.

seriously la, fuck my life.

need to find a new job, need to buy clothes.
so many things, too little damn time. I wish time flows slower so i can enjoy the little things in life instead of waiting to cry at my destitute state and missing YOU so much.
sometimes, i find suicide comforting, sometimes.... not.
if i die, everything ends. at least for me. that's good, because i don't see myself progressing.
but then as i think again, i know deep inside, im afraid to face the future.
To me, it looks bleak.

God, help me find guidance in to life. i really need it.

Haha.

2011-03-03T17:28:00.001+08:00

Why the fuck are we always arguing?

Trois mois, et ne manque que vous

2011-03-01T23:58:00.002+08:00

Three months and you aren't here.
Not blaming you though.
But this week, i hope it doesn't suck so much.
I know God doesn't have enough time to hear me, but I'll just pray that the two of us will be happy this Friday.
And if i cry, that will be the first time you see me cry, i wish that it will be tears of joy.

Missing

2011-02-16T00:50:00.002+08:00

I miss you,
like a goddamn lovesick retard.
Emotions get erratic,
From ecstatic
to lethargic.
My arms reach out towards you gently
as a ballerina would
to hold you, strangle your arm, and leave
little red bruises (they look like little hearts)
And whisper softly
harshly
how much I need you now
Your embrace
and your anger.
With wings, come forth here
and I'll burn them slowly to see
drops of crimson spelling out
your marooning with me.

Lachrymose

2011-02-13T15:29:00.001+08:00

It's been four days since you've been inside.

And it's on this day that I miss you more than I did on any other day before today (duh.) yeah, it maybe sound cheesy, but it's true.
I just want to hug you so bad. And I start to regret every single thing I did or say that made you upset. And then I get pissed at everyone. Moody. Because you won't be here with me tomorrow. Yes, because it's valentine's day, but then I feel we've been missing too many special days. And now as I type this, I re-evaluate the situation. I guess maybe these days are not important. All these days have been overly commercialized. The roses become more than a flower, a symbol of love and dedication. It becomes that cash signal for all the florists.

But let's skip all that, I think I take you for granted. I want to drag you here and ask you what you feel about me. Ask you if think about me every single god damn minute because I'm fucking clingy. I want to tell you I'm sorry, for not being smart enough for you, not being less selfish.

I'm just lovesick. I should step out and appreciate that I'm not any worse. Or at least, I should.

Fuck all

2011-01-29T00:00:00.001+08:00

Guess what? Fuck fuck fuck.
That's right, I'm so fucking stupid. If I did not make that stupid decision, maybe things would be so much better right?
Fuck it. The urgency of everything is killing me. It's killing you too, but you think you're the only one suffering?
God, I feel like crying. But every time I say that, nothing comes flowing down from my eyes. I just think about you and I ask myself why I did that over and over again. I feel stupid, increasingly stupid over time and I ask myself if I was always stupid, and that I have always pretended that I was intelligent, fooling everyone else, maybe even you. And yes, you were fooled.
I am an idiot, bordering on retard. Because I never thought about you, how you would feel, what the consequences would be like. I only thought about myself. I never thought about you.
But as days go, I loved you more each day and going to that place made me wonder why I was so stupid. Then you came in, saw the whole shit that I landed myself in. And I wonder now, what the fuck did I do.
Maybe I was the wrong person. I was never great one for anything. I was the loser, and I always was one. I never thought otherwise. And today, if I lose you, i'll bow my head down and pray to the gods to send me to the Stonehenge, with you watching me sleep as the cops come. The black flag rises and the gods will be happy once again.

being 18

2010-12-29T00:17:00.002+08:00

it's the 29th of december, and i still feel a little tipsy as i am typing this.
this is one of the best celebrations i have, probably HAHA.
looking back at the eighteen years, i wonder how much i have accomplished.
firstly, i have great friends to see me through my hardships and sorrows and all that bullshit.
secondly, i've made my parents and myself proud, by going to the dream school of my choice. then again, though it's a dream, it's really a nightmare.
and it's in this school, i found my first boyfriend. and i treasure that a lot.
Thanks for accepting me for who i am, and knowing that i'm imperfect but still loving me.
and then ofcourse, last but not least.
my parents.
for taking care of me, all these 18 years, though i cant tolerate you people sometimes with all your nonsense and crappy shit and how you treat me sometimes, but you all made me become the person i am today, and i am truly grateful. i love my parents.

maybe i have a great life, and maybe, i dont appreciate it. but i appreciate all those who have stood beside me all these years, and am truly grateful.

The Blood and the Water

2010-12-23T23:38:00.003+08:00

Blood in teeth,
Is caused by that red fist mark on cheek.
Thicker is the pain each day, more
Than the initial blow
Water never washes the blood of the sheets, let alone on the face.

the black sky looms over

2010-12-20T23:42:00.002+08:00

i feel so shitty, depressed and all those horrible feelings in to one.
never thought i would feel this way, or at least, i kinda figured i would.
life is too weird for me. i feel like dying, yet i feel like living.
my life is all about contradictions, opposites and what not.
maybe, i lost the meaning of living as a human being after exams.
it's like you spent all your life and time on studies, you feel that studying is a part of your life.
and when that strict hand lets go, you feel that awkward feeling on your hand, you hate that painful hold, but you want it back because it was so familiar.
now I've lost that hold, i feel lost.
I've gained something I thought I will never feel for the rest of my life, but i wonder if it is sufficient enough to pull me back from this despondency.
i'm wasting away and no one notices.
and then again, maybe some one does.
but im still wasting away.
what's the meaning of life?
to fuck around and re-populate the god damn earth, at least according to nature.
i want to make a difference, make me do something to show my worth.
or just kill me.
argh.

:(

2010-12-15T01:00:00.002+08:00

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

:(:(:(
:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
:(:(:(:(:(:(

......

P.S :(

metamorphosis

2010-12-05T19:33:00.002+08:00

the world is too weird and different for me.
maybe i must change.
for what?

for my sanity, my dear sanity.

kill

2010-12-01T23:21:00.002+08:00

i swear.
to anyone who thinks they can manipulate me, use me, control me.
FUCK YOU.
you can try, but some thing tells me you won't ever come out alive.

vampires

2010-11-30T14:48:00.001+08:00

And if they get me and the sun goes down into the ground
And if they get me take this spike to my heart and
And if they get me and the sun goes down
And if they get me take this spike and
You put the spike in my heart

And if the sun comes up will it tear the skin right off our bones
And then as razor sharp white teeth rip out our necks I saw you there
Someone get me to the doctor, someone get me to a church
Where they can pump this venom gaping hole
And you must keep your soul like a secret in your throat
And if they come and get me
What if you put the spike in my heart

And if they get me and the sun goes down
And if they get me take this spike and

(Come on!)

[Chorus]
Can you take this spike?
Will it fill our hearts with thoughts of endless
Night time sky?
Can you take this spike?
Will it wash away this jet black feeling?

And now the nightclub sets the stage for this they come in pairs she said
We'll shoot back holy water like cheap whiskey they're always there
Someone get me to the doctor, and someone call the nurse
And someone buy me roses, and someone burned the church
We're hanging out with corpses, and driving in this hearse
And someone save my soul tonight, please save my soul

[Chorus]
Can you take this spike?
Will it fill our hearts with thoughts of endless
Night time sky?
Can you take this spike?
Will it wash away this jet black now?

(Let's go! Come on!)

And as these days watch over time, and as these days watch over time
And as these days watch over us tonight
[x2]

I'll never let them, I'll never let them
I'll never let them hurt you not tonight
I'll never let them, I can't forget them
I'll never let them hurt you, I promise

Struck down, before our prime
Before, you got off the floor
Can you stake my heart? Can you stake my heart?

Can you stake my heart? Can you stake my heart?
(And these thoughts of endless night
bring us back into the light
and this venom from my heart)

Can you stake my heart? Can you stake my heart?
(And these thoughts of endless night
bring us back into the light
kill this venom from my heart)

Can you stake me before the sun goes down?

(And as always, innocent like roller coasters.
Fatality is like ghosts in snow and you have no idea what you're up against
because I've seen what they look like.
Becoming perfect as if they were sterling silver chainsaws going cascading...)

Don't Wake Me

2010-11-29T23:52:00.002+08:00

In my dreams the black billowing night
swirls swiftly into my mind.
As the orbs of deathly iris move
I see no flowers of peace,
but the willow of nightmares.
And the graceful willow blows in the womb of the black hour
it extends its limp branch to me
as if imploring me to help it
so graceful, my heart melts in to the black blooded alcohol.
And it stabs me right through,
soaking, drinking my heart till it became
disgustingly drunk.
I was held by the bars of my mind
and convinced by reality
but this limbo was the most frightful

i cannot open mine eyes.
the heart decays.
my hand grows limp.
wake up.
wake up.
wake up,
i cannot wake up.
my hand tremble, i cannot hold the pen
i cannot write
where did my "worldly" wisdom go?
the hearse comes now, oh
that dreadful black.

Someone shakes me
I open my eyes.
Oh thank god.

look alive, sunshine

2010-11-28T17:15:00.000+08:00

so bloody tired. LOL.
i can't look alive, Dr Death Defy!

prom

2010-11-28T00:01:00.000+08:00

I CAN'T WAIT!

deathwish

2010-11-24T12:56:00.000+08:00

For what you did to me,
And what I'll do to you,
You get, what everyone else gets,
You get a lifetime!

Let's go!

Do you remember that day when we met
You told me this gets harder
Well it did!
Been holding on forever,
Promise me that when I'm gone you'll kill my enemies,
The damage you've inflicted temporary wounds
I'm coming back from the dead and I'll take you home with me
I'm taking back the life you stole

We never got that far,
This helps me to think all through the night
Bright lights that, won't kill me now, or tell me how
Just you and I, your starless eyes remain.

Hip Hip Hooray for me, you talk to me, but would you kill me in my sleep
Lay still like the dead
From the razor to the rosary
We could lose ourselves
And paint these walls in pitchfork red

I will avenge my ghost with every breath I take
I'm coming back from the dead and I'll take you home with me
I'm taking back the life you stole

This hole that you put me in
Wasn't deep enough
And I'm climbing out right now
You're running out of places to hide from me
When you go
Just know that I will remember you
If living was the hardest part
We'll then one day be together
And in the end we'll fall apart
Just as the leaves changing colors
And then I will be with you
I will be there one last time now

When you go
Just know that I will remember you

I lost my fear of falling
I will be with you
I will be with you

Mort.

2010-11-22T22:13:00.000+08:00

mon Dieu,
confusion et la dépression devient le trou de moi
Je me demande si je peux échapper à cette morgue.
Je me demande si dans ce gouffre i peut voir la lumière
Je me demande si je peux réussir.
Dieu, donne-moi un signe à mes heures sombres
ou je peux avoir à souffrir de la disparition de mon cœur.

magaritaville

2010-11-21T13:52:00.002+08:00

i feel so bloody tired, what the hell.
i've no energy to do anything but just haunt my residence.
i feel extremely troubled too, i feel frightened by literature paper 5
what if i cant write anything?!

argh, my life is so EFFED.

I need to sleep

2010-11-21T00:25:00.001+08:00

Nabeh, my brother watching movie still on the way home laughing and joking with his friends after a whole day of NOT STUDYING.

And his poor sister has to stay awake just to be his damn gate keeper.
His poor sister needs to sleep.
Badly.
Because no one's talking to her and her brain is fried from MCQs and Literature.

But her extremely smart brother is still laughing his ass off.

What a sad juxtaposition! The sad parallels of the lives of siblings.

KENNETH TAY YOU ARE GONNA FUCKING GET IT FROM ME I'LL STUFF YOUR DAMN BLACK PEPPER CHICKEN UP YOUR DAMN ASS YOU BITCH.

Choya on the Rocks

2010-11-20T21:36:00.001+08:00

MMMMMMMMMMM
AND READING TAMING OF THE SHREW.

Tired

2010-11-20T19:45:00.001+08:00

Too tired to sleep
Too tired to eat
As I smell the rancid decay of my death
It was too much for me.
Excess was bad for health.
Excessive joy proved the poison for me
As so for excessive sadness.
All in moderation.
I said
All in moderation.

if i watch twilight

2010-11-19T22:06:00.002+08:00

if i watch twilight, any of their movies in the twilight franchise
this is what my brain would become.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
*SPLAT*.

because twilight is awesome, i love looking at people with vacant looks and employing dramatic effects every few unexpected minutes.
its just so BEAUTIFUL!
i love shimmering vampires too.

I Can-dee

2010-11-18T14:27:00.001+08:00

feeling damn guilty at looking at pictures.
argh, why is he so hot?!
i wonder if he has abs...
hmmm.....

NAH.

and with strange eons, even death may die

2010-11-17T12:32:00.003+08:00

and with normal eons, even hopes may die
and with normal eons, even the toughest heart may cry.
and when the dark ages pursues, humanity perishes
and what's left in the dark abyss is the innocence of children, which tarnishes.

Hopeless

2010-11-15T18:48:00.001+08:00

Beginning to feel like all hopes is lost.
My dad said he believes I can do it,
My mum said she believes I can do it.
Why doesn't anyone address the case where "jasmine can't do it"?
My dad did. I asked him and he said "go to poly."
And waste my time? After spending two years I waste another three years in tertiary?
How can I bear to do that?
My friends believe I can do it,
Why can't I believe it? Because I did the paper and know how well I performed.
So after all these years, to fail again after bearing the hope that I may succeed is unbearable. It tortures me. I pray and hope that I will succeed. But I know I'm not smart- not smart to make the ranks to university.
I thought life would be great in JC.
it wasn't.
I never felt so much pain in my 17 years, save for the day I got back my PSLE results. And what a failure I was to my family and most importantly, myself.
I remember what my mum asked me on the first day of secondary one.
She asked me if I was stupid or just lazy.
How could I answer her? Did she really think I was stupid? Or was I really lazy?
I ask myself the same question a few times now.
And I asked myself again.
Am I stupid or just lazy?
I've worked my ass off for today. I do slack sometimes, procrastinate. But I studied. It's not like I didn't. I practiced. I didn't go out like everyday like some people. I do go out - I NEED TO HAVE A FUCKING LIFE RIGHT?
I don't read the papers anymore, I don't even read books anymore
Because the only books I read this year were Tess of the D'Urbervilles and Wuthering Heights, my literature texts. And today, wuthering heights failed me.
It's not like I'm stupid. Sure I did top my class a few times. Few. But I rarely receive praise from teachers, I never topped the school. I still fail, and fail to be there. At the top.

Results matter, unfortunately.
I don't like to say this, but it really matters. It reflects my performance and it is what the people up there are going to see.
They have hearts, but they are selfish. They will never spare a thought for me, but to the majority who has made it with their marks. And they are all muggers who simply regurgitate what is in their notes and never understand. Or maybe I'm going overboard. They do analyze- but do they have a life? Look at some students out there- they have lifeless eyes. Lifeless eyes because their eyes were spent on books. And the universities may be filled with zombies that have beating hearts.

My dad said that there is a lot of time for me. My dad said life is short. The great irony of my well meaning father had caused me to reflect the importance of education. Is it eating up my life? Am I like one of those zombies with their lifeless eyes?

He also said, education is there for you to use your brain, to develop analytical skills. In the working world, calculation is limited to plus, minus and rarely, multiply. And even more non-existent, the division.
And we learn calculus, logarithms, simultaneous equations, mathematical induction- and for what?
We learn it to survive. To be the smartest to get the one piece of paper that grants us respect and to society. We are defined by a piece of paper, like a passport.

I will not be defined by a piece of paper. I am diversed, I am not a student, and I am not Jasmine. I am me.

Tired

2010-11-14T19:23:00.001+08:00

I'm tired.
I want to see beauty now. The beauty of nature and the sweetness of Christmas. I want to feel the December rain on me. I want to feel that warmness....
Soon.

Drilling

2010-11-13T19:53:00.001+08:00

I realized the guy living above us loooovvveeessss drilling. Because he never stops drilling. From my childhood until now.

So
I
Figured.

Here are some reasons why he won't stop drilling.

1) he's drilling a hole in the wall to see his neighbor's daughter bathing

2) he's drilling a hole in the ground to look at my brother naked (because my brother has a potential six pack that he flaunts at me everyday and the guy above is jealous and wants to see it)

3) he's constructing a room which functions like a bomb shelter in case of a zombie apocalypse.

4) he's actually re-enacting Tom and Jerry. In the sense that he's Tom drilling holes to find Jerry.

5) he wants to recreate a cheese wall. Drills holes in a yellow wall.

6) he's gay- he's making glory holes in his wall.

7) he's straight- and he still makes glory holes in his wall.

8) he likes... Holes? ( no, no "that's what she said")

9) he's scared of holes. somehow attacking them with a drill shouldn't improve the situation...

10) he's insane.

Personally, 10 appeals to me better.

Today

2010-11-11T20:45:00.001+08:00

Today, I'm still stuck in jail.
But.
I have achieved a freedom which is different from physical freedom.
I gained the freedom of my thoughts and emotions from you.
Because I saw your display picture by accident and realized you look FUCKING GAY.
True I hated you, but now I don't think I'll hate you anymore because seriously...
You're kind of an abhorrence to my life.

Adios bitch,
Bonjour, Rebellion.

Question

2010-11-10T22:43:00.001+08:00

So....
You're a flirt?
Oh okay.

(KICK YOU IN THE NUTS)

Messiest Hair

2010-11-10T13:41:00.001+08:00

Yeah, I should win that award.

Freedom and Success

2010-11-10T13:40:00.001+08:00

Freedom, are you my adversary?
Success, are you my enemy?
Tell me, why have you always
Hinder me? There are many ways
To kill me. And you gave me the
Most painful.

I hope it makes you feel better, Freedom.
And Success? You're a bitch. You're always playing hide and seek with me and you never let me win because you're afraid of death. The death I'm sending you through the barrel of my gun.

5 November

2010-11-05T11:11:00.001+08:00

Remember, remember the fifth of November.
The gun powder, treason and plot.
I know of no reason
Why this gun powder treason
Should ever be
Forgot.

Pros and Cons for a year end birthday (thanks mum)

2010-11-04T23:45:00.001+08:00

PROS
1) I get to spent most of my life being 18 OUTSIDE of school.
2) I can have more fun then other 18 year olds.
3) I can actually celebrate my birthday with no constraints of exams or tests or SCHOOL.
4) I can live being 18 mostly care-free. Then again, the keyword is "mostly"
5) I can go to clubs or bars or whatever places restricted to 18 plus MORE than any other 18 year olds.
6) and I can bitch about it :D

CONS
1) I get taunt at for not being 18.
2) I can't go to post-prom (FUCK.)
3) I can go clubs or bars anytime this year except for the last three or four days of the year -.-
4) Everyone is gonna forget me :(

PAISEH BUT I'M DAMN EXCITED ABOUT BEING 18!

It's just an awesome age. And then 21 is gonna be awesome-r!

:(

2010-11-04T17:54:00.001+08:00

It has been about ten plus hours since I deactivated.
Detox is kinda successful but can't help feeling a little less sociable (as if I am very).
Feeling a little desolate, should've done this earlier.

Deactivated

2010-11-04T11:30:00.001+08:00

That's right.
I've deactivated my facebook account.
Don't miss me!

May potentially switch off phone for this and next week so if I don't reply you at godly hours, my apologies. My phone will only be switched on again after I've finished my work

BEST DREAM OF MY LIFE

2010-11-02T18:07:00.001+08:00

I HAD THE BEST DREAM OF MY LIFE A FEW DAYS AGO.
I dreamt that MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE came to White Sands! OMG!
and then I was so shocked in my dream and exhilarated at the same time
I went up to Gerard with his awesome red hair and asked if I could take a picture and he HUGGED me! And after that he put his arm around my shoulder like his best buddy and wouldn't let go and asked frank, ray and mike together to take a pic. OH MY GOD AND IT TOOK THIRTY MINUTES BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON GERARD TOOK ME AROUND THE SHOPPING CENTRE.
It was soooo awesome and I managed to get a picture! PICTURESSSSSSS!
I was so freaking happy and I realized
I don't love my chemical romance
I don't love Gerard.
For some reason, my chemical romance became a part of life, like my family! Every time I hear Gerard or mike or frank or ray I feel proud and happy especially after hearing their songs.

Blog=facebook status updates

2010-11-01T14:51:00.001+08:00

I'm treating my blog like a status update.
I'm so gonna go twitter soon.

Weirdo=me

2010-11-01T14:50:00.001+08:00

I know most get cramps after the day
But I have coughs.
What the hell right. I'm not normal man.

FUCK THIS

2010-11-01T14:24:00.001+08:00

Seriously man. The guy who lives above me has been drilling his damn fucking wall for like 5 plus hours. WHAT IS SO NICE ABOUT DRILLING?
and he's always drilling something!!!
What, every week must change the structure of your home is it?
Or is it your wall too thick like your brain must drill some more to get a DAMN HOLE.
Oh wait.

Maybe he's drilling his ass.
AH THAT MAKES SENSE.
HE HAS A FETISH FOR THAT.

Seriously, I want to kill this guy man.
Thank god I've completed my lit essay and marked my chemistry paper three.
Moving on to geography and later Maths paper1 and tuition later.

I hope I can make it for A levels.

Sian.
That son of a bitch is still drilling.

EH DIAM LA.
别人在读书，快要考试了知不知道！
Kani na....

you

2010-10-31T00:02:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wanna be you.
i wanna be popular and have that so many cool friends and all the guys.
they hug you without thinking anything weird.
you get to celebrate Halloween
i'm stuck in this ding hole of a room and all i smell is stale air
you smell the air of sweet freedom.

sometimes i wanna be you
you said you loved me
but now you became a liar
and another preppy person
with all your friends around you
you smile everyday and go to clubs.
you get to go where you want to.
and i'm stuck in this ding hole of a room and all i smell is stale air
you smell the air of sweet freedom.

sometimes i wanna be you
you were insignificant in the set
while i was more than you.
yet you got the treasure i had secretly wanted for months
but that's okay
because i know that everything i want escapes
like water in my hand
grasped tight
but gone.
and i'm stuck in this ding hole of a room and all i smell is stale air
you smell the air of sweet freedom.

sometimes i wanna you
you had her
and i had none
i want your perfectness
the quality "perfect"
is it an essence i can tap like
water?
you are so free, free
like the sweet wind
blowing against those trees, beautiful like you.
and i'm stuck in this ding hole of a room and all i smell is stale air
you smell the air of sweet freedom.

but sometimes.
i wanna be me.
because it is through me
that i get to see you-s
and be able to experience.
but i still wanna be you.

and i'm stuck in this ding hole of a room and all i smell is stale air
you smell the air of sweet freedom.

Joke

2010-10-29T22:00:00.001+08:00

For Halloween, I dressed up as something scary for students who are not studying.
Nah, it ain't the A Level paper.

I dressed up as "the Mugger"!
It's a new superhero!

SHITTTTTT

2010-10-29T20:41:00.001+08:00

IM HAVING WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS FROM STAYING AWAY FROM MCR FOR A YEAR PLUS PLUS. OH MY GOD WHY MUST YOU HAVE THE NEW ALBUM NOW. GERARD CAN YOU GIVE ME THR BOX SET NOW I WANT IT SO BAD I'M GOING TO LISTEN TO MCR RIGHT AFTER LITERATURE PAPER FIVE OUT LOUD ON MY PHONE AND THE FIRST SONG I'M PLAYING IS.....
I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET
OH WAIT
NA NA NA.
YES!
NANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANNNNNN
DRUGS GIMME DRUGS GIMME DRUGS

FUCKKKKKKKKKK.

Why

2010-10-29T01:52:00.002+08:00

A question mark
floats by
in my
mind

bobbing up
and
down all the way
round
my little brain

I caught it with my hand
and crush it.
oozing with anguish of betrayal
or perhaps
a prank?

My innocent mind plays tricks on me.
But I see your insinuating back.

My mind has not tricked me.
You tricked.

In to Frozen Treachery may you fall
In the Dark Prince's red mouth
you
suffer.

im playing this in my heart.

2010-10-27T22:52:00.000+08:00

Warm yourself by the fire, son,
And the morning will come soon.
I'll tell you stories of a better time,
In a place that we once knew.

Before we packed our bags
And left all this behind us in the dust,
We had a place that we could call home,
And a life no one could touch.

Don't hold me up now,
I can stand my own ground,
I don't need your help now,
You won't let me down, down, down!

Don't hold me up now,
I can stand my own ground,
I don't need your help now,
You won't let me down, down, down!

Down!

We are the angry and the desperate,
The hungry, and the cold,
We are the ones who kept quiet,
And always did what we were told.

But we've been sweating while you slept so calm,
In the safety of your home.
We've been pulling out the nails that hold up
Everything you've known.

Don't hold me up now,
I can stand my own ground,
I don't need your help now,
You won't let me down, down, down!

Don't hold me up now,
I can stand my own ground,
I don't need your help now,
You won't let me down, down, down!

So open your eyes child,
Let's be on our way.
Broken windows and ashes
Are guiding the way.

Keep quiet no longer,
We'll sing through the day,
Of the lives that we've lost,
And the lives we've reclaimed.

Go!

Don't hold me up now,
I can stand my own ground,
I don't need your help now,
You won't let me down, down, down!

Don't hold me up now,
I can stand my own ground,
I don't need your help now,
You won't let me down, down, down!

Don't hold me up...
(I don't need your help, I'll stand my ground)
Don't hold me up...
(I don't need your help)
No! No! No!
Don't hold me up!
(I don't need your help, I'll stand my ground)
Don't hold me up!
(I don't need your help, I'll stand my ground)
Don't let me down, down, down, down, down!

To save me

2010-10-19T20:00:00.001+08:00

Please tell me you will save me
From my heart
My soul and my atrophied mind.
You said you would
So do it.
I put my faith in
Your faith
That I will be well
That I can see the road
To my recovery
And our happiness.

The soldier at the road
Is frightened by the bloodless face
Of thine and mine.
He wields the gun at our faces
But we shall kiss him
And tell him
" We are angels,
Sent by God
And to avenge the evil in the World
With our minds
Which cannot be dictated by your force.
Let us pass, we implore."
And the soldier still holds the gun.

When we get shot,
I wish it not be the end of the world
As the velvet blood
Flows from our eyes to the ground
To the posies they will grow
And ashes to ashes
We all
Fall
Down.

Insanity

2010-10-13T18:46:00.001+08:00

I'm going insane
I can feel it.
This year, life changed too much.
My lifestyle changed over fifteen times.
I don't know how to live anymore.
Is living just about breathing?
I can't breathe anymore.
I don't know what I will do without you.
What if you're gone?
How am I suppose to continue living?
You said you wanted to see my boyfriend.
You told my cousin that you are going to see her get married.
She isn't even married yet.
And I don't have a boyfriend.
It's too early.
You can't kill me like this.
It's too cruel.
I'm having my exams now, and this is how you treat me?
I'm your granddaughter. One of the two.
Who rarely meets you.
But I still love you.
If you say you never want to meet me again, it's fine with me.
So long I know you're alive and live longer than me, I'm contented.

I cannot live anymore.
My life changed too much.
I miss my seniors, my friends in secondary and primary school, all my classmates in secondary school.
I miss PRCS.
I miss being stupid and stupid and stupid.
I miss them to a crazy, maniacal extent.

I cannot go back to that life anymore.
If I kill myself, will I get to go back?
Then I want to kill myself.

So you see, if you leave me here by myself
I have nothing more to live for.
Everyone says they care for me,
I know they do.
But life became a drudgery.
I want to lie down among flowers
See the sky and cry
And smell the Christmas air because
Christmas is the one time everything feels right.

I'm scared
I don't feel prepared
To face A levels
And face you.

Will you live for me?
Or will I die for you?

I want to rip my locks out.
Shave my head and weep
Cry and cry and lock myself in my room
And just die.

Prayer of the Student

2010-10-11T23:09:00.001+08:00

God.
Don't let me regret.
Don't let me regret all the choices I've made.
Don't let me regret the things I have done.
Don't let me regret the answers I put down
For they are and will be done with full attention and alertness.

Because
God
I will die to see myself
In such despair.

My heart breaks to see
The Ghost of you.
The visage you put.
O let me tear the portraits of
Your mighty self
The heavy concrete canvas around you
Stripped to your bones
The white bones
Like pearls.

OOH 11:11!
I'm making a wish!

:(

2010-10-10T14:40:00.001+08:00

Actually, now I think about it, I feel kind of insulted by this...
Those assholes.

Prominent Sovereigns

2010-10-10T13:00:00.001+08:00

So.
I plucked up the courage, and crazily, I went to do something I never dreamt I would do in April. Even now it feels surreal.

I told myself, with the embarrassment I received in secondary two, I would never open my mouth in public again.

This haunts me again and again.
And again.

Failure made be the road to success.
And this could be a blessing in disguise.
More time and mental power to concentrate on studies.
True. Sometimes I even contemplated on my decisions.

Maybe some things are meant to be given up.
And maybe some things aren't.

I'm not upset.
Just a little dejected, but not sad.

It's okay.
Life still goes on.
No one dies when dreams get shot.
So why fret?
We just need to stand up
And show the finger to the world.
For the fun of it.
And to show that nothing affects us.
We need to be strong to get through all these nonsense and see the clear path in front.

I hope I see the light down the tunnel.
I saw a glimmer.
Maybe if I dig some more, it will be a ray of light.

And I'll get sunburnt :(

Well, better than being an albino carrot.

Wait, that's a radish.

Dream Guy!

2010-10-09T12:19:00.002+08:00

was on smosh.com and saw this article
http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/articles/10-cartoon-dudes-id-totally-date

I WOULD SO DATE TRENT LANE.

holy shit, i can even envision a real guy who asks like that.
unfortunately, these kinda guys are the "diamonds" of the sea.

the show looks stupid, but this Trent guy has an incredibly HOT attitude.

these kinda guys are hotcakes,
ironically, they don't exactly make the best boyfriends.
because i bet they're the kind who don't give a shit about their girlfriends.

that's really sad.

i admired a guy who's perfect and stuff.
he's almost perfect.
too perfect.
he's off my list.

What's huge and disgusting?

2010-10-08T18:45:00.001+08:00

A beetle.
A humongous one too.
It's all jet black and it's approximately the size of my thumb.
It wings were still moving.

Why is it that when I'm with Fifi we see all kinds of weird huge disgusting stuff?

The next we're gonna see is probably a huge moth
Or a huge U.

Sweet Melancholy!

2010-10-07T17:42:00.001+08:00

Or we are just prominent sovereigns.

Why do I love this so much even when it doesn't make sense at all?

I'm going bloody random now.
Because I wanna rest after doing a three hour Maths paper in school.

The Going-Ons in My Brain:

Things to do,
Rewrite geog essays
Do chemistry paper 2 in the prelim package
Revise Maths (innova jc if possible otherwise just go through CJC paper again)
NEED TO PAY MONEY BACK
TOP UP MY FREAKING EZ LINK CARD
NEED TO GET MORE MONEY
NEED TO GET CALCULUS REVISION PACKAGE (because it's lost somewhere over the rainbow)

I want my dinner now.
Even though I'm not exactly hungry.

I laughed in my sleep.
This morning because I slept at 1am.
I knew I was laughing because I heard myself laughing in my dreams.
If someone makes you truly happy, what does that mean?
I realized my dreams are bordering on ridiculousness.
I seek refuge in my dreams.

I want to watch that sickening Korean drama.
I hate typical dramas. But I can't help but think lee min ho is hot.
Seriously.

Pipi didn't go to school today.
Makes Mimi a sad panda.
Saw a humongous snail on the wall with fifi. Got shocked a hell lot. Apparently snails now are not just meant to be eaten but also to scare each other during Halloween.

Remember that guy who swallowed a slug?
What an idiot.
It's a wonder he didn't die from stupidity.

Mj didn't give a one minute silence for kwa geok choo.
Why? Because she's a woman?
Nah...

I want to drink loads of water.
I feel like going swimming.
My mum just burped in my face.
She thinks melancholy is "melody".
Maybe, maybe.
But she still burped in my face.

SHE STOLE MY APPLE JUICE.

Apologies?

2010-10-06T20:23:00.001+08:00

I feel kind of sorry
To myself.
And to those who show that they will support me and Believe that I can do it.

But I never ever stop thinking
What I can't do it?
It's an inevitable question for me.
And mostly, and definitely rhetoric.
I will never know the answer, and neither will you.
Or you.

Luck is a defining factor in most things.
Especially now.

The ears on the walls

2010-10-04T20:19:00.001+08:00

I just found out something today
It's quite shocking.
At least to me.
I mean, why the heck do you go around gossiping about some lame stuff, promise something and not perform it, expecting the other party to respect it?
Total disrespect, not cool man.

And I'll go all kanye west on you

"imma let yo finish, but YO haf the biggest trashy mouth in the whole wide world man! Hands down, I can't even beat yo. Voice of the Generation, out."

LOL. you gotta admit.

Kanye west is the biggest douche in the world.

And unfortunately (?) for him, many others do share that special position with him!

Like Fred Phelps!

What a fuck head.

Grim Goodbye

2010-10-04T14:52:00.001+08:00

With grim faces,
Looking through halls filled with laces.
The sky is gray,
And so are our clothes, fray
In the wind, in this grim goodbye.

Our hands are cold
Hand filled with knowledge, old.
Old knowledge, ready to fill
The papers we have prepared till
We are dead, and stone in this grim goodbye.

The hall is where we shed our tears
And later shed or gain our fears
Again
And again.
For our predecessors and accessors.

Why do we lock ourselves in this cage?
I have no idea.
My physical body may be locked within.
But it is still my heart that remains free.
From anything.

It belongs to me and not you.

Thus,
In this grim goodbye,
I wipe my granite face
Polished to marble
To face challenges with hard edges.
No mercy.

In Step: A Play

2010-10-03T17:03:00.001+08:00

A: oi, what the fuck are you doing?

B: aiyah, packing my bag la. You wait can or not ah? So bloody impatient.

A: quick leh, later the game some body go and take and play. Walao wei, I dun one queue leh. Must show all the chio bu that I damn pro at the cube thing.

B: okay okay la. Diam la, library leh. Later xiao zhar bo come here scream at us why we talk so loud.

B finally packs his bag. Zips it up slowly with a smile, looking at A's impatient face with delight.

A: okay la, quick la!

A and B runs out of the library.

*to be continued because I am too busy now.

Bullshit!

2010-10-02T14:05:00.001+08:00

This blog is full of bull shit.

Because it's in a china shop and when the bull came in and destroyed all the china....

It took a crap.

-.-

Hope

2010-10-02T14:04:00.001+08:00

It's not that I gave up on my studies.
I don't intend to.
I lost all my hope.
Every bit of it.
That I will ever succeed.
So after 12 years of education
It's all going to waste.

At desolation row

2010-09-29T21:46:00.001+08:00

In desolate times, I see other people's life being so much better than mine.
Why the hell is everyone so fucking carefree now and I'm stuck in fucking limbo?
Why?!
Why is everyone enjoying their life and I'm suffering in this shit hole, seeing everyone succeed and I die down here.
With no place to go.
You all tell me not to worry.
HOW THE FUCK AM I NOT SUPPOSE TO WORRY?!
YOU GUYS WHO TELL ME THAT YOU DON'T TAKE A LEVELS AND YOU ARE FUCKING SMARTER THAN ME.
SO GET THE FUCK OUT AND DON'T FUCKING READ THIS SHIT ANYMORE BECAUSE I'M FUCKING GONNA KILL YOU.

Nihilism

2010-09-29T18:09:00.001+08:00

For some reason, I don't want any human interaction around me anymore.

And you're too damn perfect. You are everything I want to be, and come to love, but out of reach.
I get sickened, seeing your name and your picture and your smile and your oh-so-perfect grades.
I just want to kill you.
and her.
Maybe not.

A bed of roses

2010-09-28T23:37:00.001+08:00

When wise men say
"Life is a bed of roses."
As all wise men have proved,
Without concrete evidence,
They are right.

It all follows
The Nature, our mother.

Those roses,
Red with passion
Is the living poison
To our physical
Body.
Each red Seed
Of that "emotions"
Kill us,
By the metal hard wand
Or by the melancholic decay
Of our soft tissue.

And it is the soft tissue
That is
Pierced
By those beautiful thorns
That everyone chooses to
Ignore.

All we admire
Such beauty.
As life was and is.
And all that is.
To beguile ourselves
With the dream
Of walking on smooth pavements
Moving one ignorant eye away
From the hole in the ground.

As wise men say
The roses are in bloom
We pick those delicates
Pricking to reveal our essence
As red.

shit.

2010-09-24T21:12:00.000+08:00

shit, lor. you still want me to say what?
FUCK LA.

ive let you down

2010-09-22T17:58:00.002+08:00

i think i let my grandma down.
its heartbreaking.
its worse then a guy i like telling me he doesnt like me.
im not here with her to celebrate her birthday.
i can't celebrate with her.
i can't love her and all my other relatives on the maternal side.
my cousin is so close to her.
why cant i be close to her?
im jealous, and heartbroken.
no one knows how i feel.
i feel like someone just eradicated me.
killed me.
i think my grandma doesnt love me anymore, but my aunt is trying to convince me she does.
i love my grandma, no matter what.
but its heart breaking. it really is.

the desertion

2010-09-22T17:49:00.002+08:00

ah, who am i kidding.
i told you, it followed a pattern.
it'll always be like that.
that's why all knots are tied
and mine is left hanging
for me to noose up my head.

and sometimes through my red eyes
i peer through the looking glass
to see not just myself
but with you beside me.

but i see
you holding
a stick, with five branches.
a stick.
how could you?
what -

I WANT YOU NOW.

2010-09-20T21:15:00.003+08:00

LOOK!! GERARD WANTS TO SAY SOMETHING!!

OMG HE'S SO FUCKING CUTE.

WHY do i like my chemical romance?
you know why?
that's cause their music is ORIGINAL and CREATIVE and NEVER BORING like SIMPLE PLAN.
i just insulted MCR by comparing them along side with simple plan.
:(

but seriously,
i've never heard any piece of music that closely resembles to anything on I Gave You My Bullets, You Gave Me Your Love or Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge or The Black Parade.

but, my favourite album is the first one, because it's really good! the sophomore one too! especially It's Not A Fashion Statement, It's A Fucking Deathwish,
I hate it when people omit the "Fucking" out of the title. It's such a beautiful song!
PLUS I Never told You What I Did For A Living.
there's this guitar melody that played close to the end that brought me to tears because it totally expressed how the persona feels.

YES THE PERSONA,

which brings me to another reason why I LOVE AND ADMIRE MCR.
BECAUSE THEY HAVE ARTISTIC VISION.
In their first two album, they did this story of about a man and a woman who are escaping from vampires and then both of them died. the guy had a deal with the devil to kill a thousand evil men to save both of them. Desert Song represents this the best! It's a B-Side by the way, in Live At The Murder Scene.
I don't wanna talk about The Black Parade because its so mainstream till everyone knows what's going on.
:(

DANGER DAYS: THE FABULOUS LIVE OF THE KILLJOYS!!

MCR, DO ME PROUD, DO ME JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR SO LONG!!

MCR

2010-09-18T18:12:00.002+08:00

oh man, almost cried listening to my chemical romance.
it's so long since i've heard them.

Danger Days: The True Lives of The Fabulous Killjoys

2010-09-18T13:00:00.001+08:00

I'm excited!
That's MCR's new album!
And they're going in to punk rock.
But focusing on the subject of comics
Because that was what Gerard and Mikey grew up on.
Comics.
But I'm a little apprehensive about the album.
The video looks fantastic, but I'm fear that they might make it look weird.
Which I really hope it doesn't.
I'm hoping that the music is good.
And when they come to Singapore again I'll definitely be there.

P.S Gerard dyed his hair red. RED RED RED. guess what? SO AM I. this further strengthens my stand to dye my hair red!!

P.S.S I love you, Gerard! You are the one person I look up to! You are my idol!!

think?!

2010-09-17T21:14:00.001+08:00

i still BELIEVE that there are people who are way luckier than me in this world.
perfect life.
i believe there are stuck up people with perfect lives.
everything they want they have.
i refuse to be persuaded otherwise.
my stand is clear.

fuck.

2010-09-16T20:41:00.001+08:00

fuck. fuck. fuck.
sometimes i want to remove my brain and cleanse it off emotions.
i hate having the ability to feel.
it sucks!

Dreams and Cool Hwhip

2010-09-14T20:29:00.001+08:00

There are no spelling errors in the title.
Anyway, I have been having bizarre dreams.
And I'm wondering what this reflects of my mental state.
I had this extremely weird yet fascinating dream two years back. And I remembered wearing my favorite white shirt to sleep. And I dreamt of this guy who was madly in love with me till the point of maniacal killing.
As in, he almost killed me and an ex-tuition friend.
And then we ended together.
I know right?
Weird like hell.
And then again, wearing my favorite shirt, I dreamt that I was some prince's second wife.
It's fucking weird okay.
And this prince is not those prince charming kind.
He's almost like real human.
And we can only see each other for three hours.
And he loves me more than his first wife!
This is getting Chinese drama like.
I had a "normal" nightmare at 6 this morning. I knew the time because someone SMSed me at 6 and I gladly woke up.
I dreamt that I screwed up the Wuthering Heights section of today's literature paper.
:(
Okay, I didn't in reality, but it was almost fucked up.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just continue dreaming...

the punisher

2010-09-10T23:31:00.002+08:00

the more i think about it,
i think i help others more efficiently than i help myself.

i don't want to fail prelims and A levels.

i keep having dreams.
like nightmares.
it's really bad,
i remembered i had to convince in my own dream that the whole thing is just a dream
but i couldn't shake myself off it.
next thing i knew, i woke up to horrible weather
and i couldn't study
thanks to those dreams.

it's terrifying.

i don't know what I'm going to do if i fail A levels.
i think i'll....
i don't know.

I tried to forget

2010-09-05T11:27:00.001+08:00

I remembered something.
Something really sweet
Yet treacherous in every essence.
That son of a bitch.
I remembered how you tried to fool me
How you typed those numbers and convinced me that you truly did love me.
And now you're back from the dead.
Resurrected, you look at me in the eye
And went off.
You.
I want to kill you. OH GOD.

Wonder-land

2010-09-02T00:13:00.001+08:00

I wonder.
I really wonder what people think of me.
Like, am I a fool? A smart-ass? Or just a really cool person? Nerdy? Or just quiet and shit?
I'm definitely not quiet.
I'm like the noisiest bitch out there.
I have to entertain Pipi because she NEVER talks :(
All Pipi does is laugh.
Next time, I should try to be a professional stand-up comedian and start charging her. I'd be rich!
Okay, getting way off topic.
I don't know. The world out there is my stage.
I must perform to standards.
But sometimes I am myself.
And I don't know who "myself" is.
One thing for sure: I don't like socializing with strangers.
It takes like a lot of balls to be able for me to talk to someone I don't know.
So to all those amigos who I approached, you should be grateful.
In fact, I find myself showing my socializing skills on facebook.
Let me explain:
1) I don't add friends.

That was explained.

2) I don't comment.

I only comment on who I feel really really really comfortable with. Like really really extremely. Which falls under the category of "I see you almost everyday of my life and for one or two straight years and we LAMO'd loads of times." is that even comprehensive?

3) I get green with jealousy over relationship status updates (not the single ones)

Need I say more? Seriously man, me go die as hermit. Or Kermit. GROSS.

4) Playfish games

Yes, I am one of those people who are addicted to Playfish games. I spam Pet Society almost everyday but I stopped in June because it's clearly wasting my time. You wanna know why I'm addicted? Because they have loads of new nice stuff and I can buy and pretend I was wearing those nice clothes. Oh yeah, I get to create my own dream room. I have one in particular that I really love. It's not the kitchen (sexist) or the bathroom (seriously?). It's the dressing room. HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

5) I look at my own photos
Okay, fine, before you go all "OOH JASMINE YOU'RE SUCH A NARCISSISTIC BITCH" I want to say that yes, I admit, I'm vain. But everyone is vain too! And anyway, I look at those photos to try to convince myself that the ugly pictures of me are, in fact, not me. And the nice ones are me. Self-delusion coming up.

6) Status updates!

I need attention, you know. The more notifications I get, the happier you make me feel. But then, there are those few times I get all depressed... Well let's not go there.

7) Facebook stalking.

Seriously, facebook= stalker device.
Now I can go stalk my crush all the way! And some girls that I don't like so I can dig shit on 'em.
Yes, I do stalk my crush. But I try to look away ( I really tried!) but he appears everywhere. Especially in school when I least expect it. Like on a really bad day, I will see him accidentally for 15+ times. And we are taking totally different subject combinations. This is creepy bullshit. It ain't my fault I crushed on him. I blame fate. O damn you, fate! Leave Tess alone! Oh yah, no more Tess jokes. I do not look like Justine Waddell. One more time and I'll make you impotent.

The End.

:D

The Alabaster Arm and the Rose

2010-08-25T00:45:00.001+08:00

I know I can't understand you
I never dared to approach you.
I want to remove you
But you're stuck there
Stuck like a parasite.
But it isn't your fault.
The parasite is me.
And my thought.
And by thy alabaster arm
I lay thee a rose
And to eternity do thou sleep on.

Down to the ground

2010-08-11T22:19:00.001+08:00

Hi
I'm feeling down.
I don't really know why. But I guess I need some sleep and probably not think so much. Yeah, that's probably it.

The eccentric love

2010-08-11T00:29:00.001+08:00

After pining for that one thing I can probably never get, I feel like my heart atrophied. But I love life, I want to live and see beauty in the world. So I decided: LOVE IS NOT IMPORTANT. in the sense that love is BGR. not love between family members kinda thing. It's not that I'm jealous and give up. I'm just sick of the feeling of loving someone and nit being loved back. The feeling seems so... Stupid. I felt like this today, I asked myself why I had to like this guy. Why can't I just not like him? Then I has this feeling, or this thought asking myself why do I always have to put myself to the same shit everyday. Yeah, why can't I learn my lesson? I've never been in a relationship before. I've never felt what a supposed "real" heartbreak is like. But I felt dread. After 17+ (yes, still 17) years, I have come to the conclusion that love like that is not important. YQ once smsed saying" why you so lousy one, so long never have bf." no, you dumb twit. I'm not lousy or stupid. I'm perfect in my own way. And I have to act all pitiful and weak, no thank you. I rather a guy tell me he loves me for who I am, rather than what the idealizations I have to embody. Nobody, not even you, will preach me about how love is not that easy. I don't wanna hear that. Because I made my decision , I think love is boring and I will not pursue it now. Well. Now. Haha. What irony.

Blogging from iPhone

2010-08-09T00:49:00.001+08:00

Testing!! :D

Let's not think too much

2010-07-27T19:36:00.002+08:00

I don't want to destroy myself again. I'm afraid.
I don't want to cry over some ass ever again. I don't want to feel like dying when I see you seeing someone else. Or you saying the words I never want to hear...
Stupid right?
Because I'm stupid.
I'm somewhat happy to be this stupid
Because I remember that I an human.
A human with feelings.
I'm not feeling emo.
I feel happy talking to you
I feel happy, and I never felt sad.
I felt hope.
But I'm scared.
As usual.

must be nice

2010-07-21T23:51:00.001+08:00

it must be nice.
having someone you love holding your hand
and telling you that he loves you as well.

it must be nice.

sentimentalism

2010-07-20T23:51:00.002+08:00

I opened the letter
and the presents
you have once sent me.

With delicate hands
I open the wrappers
to reveal the physical beneath.

Just like the wrappers, I wrap myself with the warmth of your breath
to dry the moist eyes I despise so much.

To weep is to be weak,
that is what they once said,
To weep in view of-
sentimentality-
hearts burst to fire
and leave behind the hardest of diamonds
to safe keep for our own memory.

forsaken

2010-07-12T20:18:00.002+08:00

i am probably forsaken by my own fate and destiny
i have no freaking idea how or what it means, but i feel forsaken.
i watched some lame korean drama half an hour ago,
and the main male character was mourning about how he could not be with his "true love"
and his friend went "im sick of your innocent face, you've got everything and you still look so upset. many drool to have what you have, but you seem so unsatisfied. i am unlike you, i dont have everything."
so obviously, this friend of his implies that he should not be like that, and it makes people sick.
yes, i can put myself, not in the shoes of the friend, but the shoes of that guy.
i have said before, compared to many people, i am more than satisfied. i have everything i want.
i have my iPhone (oh wow), i have a dunno-how-many-inches-but-still-impressively-long computer screen, i have two parents, i have a brother who i can fight with but still considerably close even if we dont like to admit it.
so what the fuck do i lack?
i lack emotional satisfaction.
like that guy, i lack the satisfaction i need emotionally.
and the needed intellect as well.
i'm sick of worryting about A Levels,
i want to go to university, but my poly friends say "oh, you JC people have higher chances of getting to uni, dont worry."
all i can do is smile and just look down.
why do you poly people see it that way?
did you not hear about the two JC students who jumped down?
how come no one understands what im going through?
it's so painful, now, to see a fucking U when your major papers are in less than three or four months away.
how can i not worry?
i dont have the smarts of the smartest people in MJC.
i cant compete with them.
dont tell me, that im smart.
it doesnt mean i know "more" stuff than you, it implies im smart.
i want to be smart, intelligent, like those people.
i want to get into uni and start the life i always wanted.

and yes, emotionally.
i'm lacking emotionally.
i got myself nearly drunk on saturday and im proudly proclaiming to everyone.
why do i drink?
i feel so defeated.
i feel so
so jealous.
everytime i watch that god damn romance movie i spit in disgust, and criticise how corny it is.
and i tell my mum to shut the TV, it's horrible entertainment.
no, my heart was becoming green with jealousy.
i couldnt help wondering why am i the only one in the world alone.
sure, i have friends, but emotionally still insecure.
my grandma told me i was being picky, she didnt believe i didnt have any admirers,
i'm not being picky!
i just dont have any, what is so difficult to comprehend??
my mum now bugs me to find a boyfriend after A levels
and i told her
"you think so easy find one ah? i just go outside anyhow take on guy and say 'let's go dating!' is it?"
yes, thats how i talk to my mum.

i am a very defeated person.
i am forsaken by God,
emotionally.

the guys in my secondary school class call me "zombie".
i know why now.

the misery, it accompanies her

2010-07-06T13:24:00.002+08:00

The widow of the man who killed himself at the Hilton Hotel is dead.
She killed herself.
Reading it online, i chance upon comments.
someone said this is "true love" because she is "going to follow her husband".
someone called her "stupid", saying that she should not do so as "many people out there treasure their lives but dont have a chance to keep it".

You know what's my opinion?
She suffered too much.
Either because she really loves her husband or she found out the reason behind his death,
we really should try to sympathise her rather then start blaming her like the idiot who called her "stupid".

You know what's stupid?
the kid who killed himself by jumping out infront of a car when Brazil lost their match with Netherlands.
i don't know if he has been betting too much money, but this boy was definitely foolish.

Why I am always bitter.

2010-07-04T16:25:00.002+08:00

My life as a cake,
would taste like black ashes.
Charcoal, bitter as black.
The Baker asked me:
"Why do you taste so,
none of my customers
would like a piece of you!"
I replied in all my bitterness:
"Because you made me that way,
you god damn idiot.
In your ability to mould and
add these pungent ingredients
I have to accept without question."
And that, I told Him my answer.
He stared at me.

I stared at Him.
It wasn't my fault at all.
I have no hands
to create myself
and can only depend
on the omnipotent hands
of Him.